Episode 83: What Parenting Reveals About Ourselves and Beliefs

Sometimes the biggest breakthroughs come from the quietest moments. In this week’s episode of Babies and Business, Avram and Rachel share how everyday experiences—like a child’s messy play or a strong emotional reaction—can uncover hidden patterns we didn’t even know we were carrying.

They talk about how small, everyday moments sparked deeper reflections, and how examining old beliefs can lead to real change. If you’ve ever wondered why certain things trigger you, or if you’re carrying around ideas that no longer fit, you won’t want to miss this conversation. Get ready to rethink, reflect, and give yourself permission to grow.

Show Notes

Key Highlights from this Episode:

• Avram and Rachel explore how questioning long-held beliefs can lead to personal breakthroughs.

• They share parenting moments that triggered deeper self-reflection.

• The question “Is this really mine?” is introduced as a tool for identifying inherited patterns.

• Avram discusses how reactions to mess and disorder revealed family influences.

• Rachel shares her journey of uncovering beliefs tied to childhood experiences and family dynamics.

• They highlight how strong emotional reactions and knee-jerk responses can signal borrowed beliefs.

• Tools for inspecting beliefs and emotions are shared to help listeners grow more intentionally.

• They emphasize the importance of giving yourself permission to change your mind and evolve over time.

• The episode encourages self-awareness, conscious choice-making, and personal freedom.

Mentions & Resources

Window of Tolerance —  A concept Rachel learned from her therapist to help explain emotional reactions and support personal growth.

Mentioned Episodes

Babies and Business Episode 78 – What is The Window of Tolerance and Why Does it Matter?

Episode Transcription

Below you will find a transcript of this entire podcast episode. Enjoy!

Avram: Back again with some, you know, groundbreaking earth shattering stuff that’s been on Rachel and I’s mind as we navigate the 2025 spring break staycation here at the Gonzales House. You know, last week we shared that the nanny is taking some time off. We are too, focusing on some things around the house and you know, one of the big things we realized how much more space is in our minds and the creativity to talk about new things and break through.

Perhaps other stuff that, uh, didn’t have the time or space to even be examined.

Rachel: Yeah, just that creative stuff when you’re not under the gun or under any time kind of timelines or, maybe just getting things done. I think that it’s easier to actually kind have fun with what you’re thinking about maybe doing next.

Avram: Yeah.

More thinking time. Yeah. So one of the things that came to us recently that we decided to record this podcast about is, breakthroughs that kinda inspired by our children.

Rachel: Absolutely

Avram: And kind of questioning, well, where did I get my beliefs from?

Rachel: Sure.

Avram: Why am I this way?

Rachel: Well, and I think also asking the question, is this my belief

Avram: That is the big tool today. That’s the preview of the big breakthrough is this actually mine. This is a question you’re gonna be asking yourself hopefully about numerous things that come up moving forward after you hear this conversation. It’s funny, like you can go through your life thinking that certain ways that you are, ways that you react to things, ways that you feel about things are yours. And then you have children and you might see some of the same stuff in them and you go, huh, is that really mine? Or did I pick that up somewhere?

Rachel: Exactly. Was this taught to me? Um, is this really how I feel now? You may still identify with that thing or it may still irk you, or it may cause you this, whatever kind of distress that is, you know, being frustrated or kind of out outside of your window of tolerance.

It can manifest in a lot of different ways, and it still may be true for you, but for me it’s been helpful to find the origin. And to see that. It originated somewhere else and I have chosen to keep it or it works for me.

Avram: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: It serves me.

Avram: Yeah. Well, the other day I was, uh, you were cooking dinner, I was hanging out with the boys. We have like their little, their little crab sandbox thing inside the house and inclement weather and they’re hanging out and Lincoln gets into the crab and he starts taking the play sand out and like just dumping it on the ground.

Rachel: Handfuls.

Avram: Handfuls,

Rachel: just drop

Avram: I was like, ah, dude, can you not?

Rachel: Well, there is one issue. So Zuna, our dog loves to eat it. So not super good for her.

Avram: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: So we have to kennel her and all of the other things that go along with it. And how did you feel about that?

Avram: Oh, it just bothers me. I don’t like, I don’t like the, the disorder. I don’t like the mess. I don’t like cleaning it up but it doesn’t have to be cleaned up. It irritates me.

Rachel: And then so I, I saw what was going on and I just said, I mentioned that you could put Zuna away and take a break. And it doesn’t bother me. I don’t mind cleaning up after that. Uh, but also it’s something that when we’re managing Zuna and her not eating it, that becomes a big deal. But, I think you had a really big breakthrough as to maybe why you feel that way about messes.

Avram: Yeah. So we’re over at my parents’ house and I think this is a great example to play with because there’s no right or wrong or good or bad about it?

Rachel: No.

Avram: Because it’s like, well, raise your hand if messes bother you. Yeah. Like most people messes bother them.

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Avram: Raise your hand if messes for children don’t bother you at all.

Rachel: Right.

Avram: Right. There’s a lot of folks that are like, oh yeah, I love it when they get m
essy. That’s my favorite part, like that’s our nanny’s favorite part. She’s like, oh, I love it. I’m like, yes, and I love you for doing that with him. Right. So we have like both sides of it, and we’re at my parents’ house and I, and I don’t remember exactly what it was that was going on if we were eating or doing something else, but Lincoln was making a mess.

 Right. And so I, I look at my dad and I can see right away. He did not like it.

Rachel: Yes.

Avram: Does not like it. Right. And so Lincoln for reference is not even three yet. So he is going to make messes. Not gonna anything about it. Right. And it’s fun.

Rachel: Yeah.

Avram: Then you look at my mom on the other hand and right she just loves the, the kid messes. But there’s also certain things my mom loves, a tidy, organized home.

Rachel: Yes.

Avram: There’s certain things that like grind her gears too. And I knew in that moment I was like, oh my, like gut reaction to messes definitely in common with my parents’ reaction to it.

Rachel: And I think you saw yourself

Avram: I did.

Rachel: In how they reacted.

Avram: Yes. And I was like, wow, that is so fascinating. And I wonder how many other things about me I don’t even realize that I learned from my parents.

Rachel: Yeah, absolutely

Avram: You know, and it’s like this philosophical exploration then of, well, who am I, if not for my parents, my friends, society?

Who does this thought feeling really belong to?

Rachel: Yeah. Well, I think what’s really cool about that question is that it is the breakthrough that can then create change. So once you can identify the fact that maybe it was given to you and maybe you find that whatever that thing is, that it doesn’t serve you, then you can actually choose to change that. Now, I’m not saying that it’s gonna be overnight. By no means will it be, but it does create some change and the opportunity for it. For me, I’ve experienced this in a different way, um, with working through my past, how I grew up and how my parents showed up and all the different things that I went through and I really was confronted with the question, whose belief is this? Because there were a lot of beliefs given to me and point of view and judgements. And I remember after Lincoln was born, I went and I saw this therapist, and we’ve talked about this a lot on the podcast, but I just really wanted to understand, you know, I have this new baby and I love him so much, and I would literally do anything for him.

How could my parents do X? And I brought that to my therapist and we talked about the window of tolerance, we talked about all these other tools, and my goal in meeting with her was to come away with tools so that I could navigate my life. When I hear these questions in my mind or I come across these experiences, like with kids, I have been confronted with questions and viewpoints that I, I believe I would never would’ve been confronted with about my parents and how I grew up.

So. I came away with a lot of tools and one of the tools that my therapist gave me was, if you have a really strong emotion or opinion, like you get really riled up about something, inspect whether that is yours or not. And that was such a breakthrough for me because I realized that I felt very strongly about certain things, but I then realized that well, that wasn’t mine. And so she was saying that when you have that kind of experience, you have this big emotion or a way you feel about this thing, that it’s not yours. And to just automatically question, okay, where did it come from because it’s not mine. And then work through that however you can. Uh, and so that’s served me so well to just see, okay, I feel really strongly about this.

Avram: Yeah, and it’s strongly can mean that you are like pushing back against something.

Rachel: Yes.

Avram: Or that you are in strong agreement of something.

Rachel: Absolutely. Like I advocate for something because I just absolutely believe that this is the only way, or I feel very adversely about it like, no way this can, no, this cannot enter into my life. I will not accept this. There can be those kinds of, and I had both. I had things that I felt very strongly were the only way to do it, and very strongly were not the way to do it.

Avram: So I’m assuming that you had some examples of both, like things that you examined that you’ve probably come around and decided, yeah, this is me and this is how I feel about it and some that was like, whoa.

Rachel: Yeah. Well, you know, I just find myself asking the question. Just playing that game with myself is, is this how I really feel? I know that this is how I was raised, but is this how I really feel and does it serve me?

Avram: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: And um, it’s for both of those, those things. Like I remember I was in my early twenties and I was in Montana with my ex, and I was at a friend’s house and I realized at that moment that it was not my choice to not be educated growing up. But because we had a family council and we talked about it, and I remember the conversation growing up, I remember having had that conversation of dad asking, well, do you wanna keep living out here? And I don’t know what the option and for a living out in the middle of nowhere, or Do you wanna move back to Albuquerque and go back to school and all these things. I just remember that maybe it was told to me, but I, I do vividly remember that and on some level, on a very real level, I felt so ashamed of the choice that I made to not be educated at that time, and it was within a week.

So I vocalized that to my friend that I was at her house that day. And that was the first time ever that I’d ever told anyone outside of my family, like actually vocalized it, that I hadn’t been educated and I had held so much shame around it because I thought that I had chosen it, so I wasn’t able to extract and see, the difference between my parents’ choices and my own. And that was a huge breakthrough. That was my first breakthrough with this mindset. And that was even before the therapist helped me see how to identify it.

Avram: Yeah. So many of the feelings, thoughts and emotions that we have are stuff that we’ve picked up and bought as our own.

Rachel: Yeah.

Avram: There are also things that, that are just floating by in the wind that we act on.

Um, it’s like a weird thing, like if you go on a trip with some other couples or something like that, that you may or may not be aware that somebody’s arguing.

Rachel: Yes.

Avram: Then you find yourself being kind of snippy with your partner and or short or whatever, and you’re like. What is like, what

Rachel: we gotta get out of this.

Avram: What is this? You know? and then later you find out, oh, so and so was having problems, and you’re like, that is so crazy. Like, we’re picking up on that and of playing it out. So there’s like the casual stuff that comes through like that, we’re like, like an antenna, you know, that picks up everything that goes by.

And then there are lot of circumstances, especially when we’re young, where we that thing comes by, we pick it up and we, we start to decide and make it our story that this is who we are and this is how we operate in this situation and

Rachel: yeah. And maybe we don’t ever inspect that.

Avram: Right.

Rachel: We don’t know where it came from. We just identify with it. And

Avram: the other tool that I’ll give you here, you mentioned the, okay, if you feel strongly about someth
ing, that could be an opportunity to investigate. The one that I’m gonna drop here is, if you find that you have a, like a knee jerk reaction to something. Like a quick response and you, you realize, wow, I didn’t even think about it, also a great opportunity to inspect.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. ’cause, because it also could just be simple judgements that you have or things that, like you just formed an opinion, but where did that come from? And maybe it served you in, in one way and now it doesn’t.

So, I love that.

Avram: Yeah. That’s the other thing too, right? Like there’s just certain stuff that’s gonna serve you for a period or a season, and then it’ll change. So like the examination never ends because you might consciously choose a new way to function and show up in your life or what’s important to you, and then five years, 10 years from now, you’re still running it, but you’re, your life in the direction is somewhere else, and it’s time to course correct. Crazy.

Rachel: Absolutely. Well, I think about this tool that we utilize in our relationship is, and maybe it’s more of kind of an agreement that we we’re able to talk to each other and tell each other that something does or doesn’t work and we’re allowed to change our mind and we can also say the things that we’re feeling and maybe needing and not, not feel like we need to manage the other person’s emotions or feelings about it. And I think that that’s been a huge thing for us, uh, when navigating whatever that is, because gosh. We’re allowed to change our minds about things and be able to talk about it. So I feel very fortunate that we have that arrangement and agreement with each other that I’m not going to take offense at what you say and you’re not going to take offense at what I say. We’re also not hateful people.

You know, we’re not just taking things out on each other.

Avram: I love what you just said. I think it’s maybe the perfect way to end. You’re allowed to change your mind about things.

Rachel: Yeah.

Avram: You’re allowed to change what’s important and valuable to you.

Rachel: Absolutely.

Avram: You’re a person. You grow, you evolve, you go through seasons in your life. Things are bound to change. And being willing to be the change and embrace it, I think is the key to having a more fulfilling life ’cause otherwise you find yourself struggling against something invisible and you don’t know why.

Rachel: Yeah.

Avram: But it’s because something, something needs to change.

Rachel: Well, it’s like, what’s been, what people say sometimes when you’re trying to enact change. It’s the age old thing. Well, we’ve always done it this way. Well maybe something’s flawed with always having done it that way, you know? So I love, um, one, just to close out, I think one of our core values is we create together. And

Avram: our business Digital Harvest.

Rachel: Yep, at our business. And you know, we can come together and create really awesome things and it just takes being willing to speak up.

Avram: Mm-hmm. Yeah, So I don’t think we have a community question for you here today, and that’s all right. But we do have some show notes and resources over at the blog babiesandbiz.com/83. That’s today’s episode number, so you’ll find the transcript for the episode. You’ll find all the show notes, other podcast episodes that we mentioned or will be related to this one. So lots to dig in over there at Babies and Biz. You’ll also find, just by the way, you might not know this, but there’s also a ton of extra content and articles, things that are inspired by the podcast that we’re writing coming up with every single week that go beyond just the things that we’ve discussed here.

So not only is there all the show notes and episodes and stuff over there, we got a ton of supporting articles and things that you can rifle through and check out as well that might serve you in your life and your business. So make sure to give those, um, give those a look. And with that said, we’ll catch you on the next episode.

Rachel: Bye Bye for now.