When Childhood Experiences Influence Parenting Dynamics

Before having kids, I thought parenting was mostly about teaching them—guiding their behaviors, shaping their views, showing them how to move through the world. What I didn’t expect was how much parenting would challenge me—how much it would bring my own childhood experiences into the spotlight.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on just how often my reactions as a parent aren’t just about what’s happening in the moment. They’re tied to old patterns, beliefs, and expectations that I absorbed growing up—without even realizing it.

A Messy Moment That Revealed a Deeper Pattern

One of those realizations hit me during what looked like a pretty ordinary day at home. Lincoln was playing in the house, scooping handfuls of play sand out of his crab-shaped sandbox and dumping them all over the floor. He was having the time of his life—completely carefree. Meanwhile, I was not okay. I felt irritation bubbling up fast. The mess. The disorder. The impending cleanup. It all bothered me way more than it probably should have.

At first, I chalked it up to being tired or overwhelmed. But when I stepped back, I realized something deeper was going on. This wasn’t just about the sand. It was about the way I grew up—about the unspoken rules and expectations I learned in my own childhood home.

Tracing Reactions Back to Their Roots

Later, while visiting my parents’ house, I saw it so clearly. Lincoln made a small mess at the table, and immediately I could see it in my dad’s body language: he wasn’t thrilled. It was the same gut reaction I had at home. I realized that my discomfort around messiness didn’t just randomly show up. I learned it. I inherited it.

It’s wild to think about how many of our parenting dynamics aren’t conscious choices—they’re carryovers. Ways of reacting that were passed down, sometimes without a single word being said.

We actually talked a little about this in Episode 83 of the Babies and Business podcast—how some of the ways we react to things aren’t really ours to begin with.

And unless we’re willing to pause and question them, we keep passing them along, generation after generation.

The Power of Asking: “Who Does This Belong To?”

One of the most helpful tools that’s come up for me is simply asking: “Is this reaction truly mine?”  Or, “Who does this belong to?”

That question gives you space. It helps you separate what’s genuinely part of you from what you might be carrying from someone else—your parents, your upbringing, society. Sometimes, you realize the belief or reaction still fits. It still serves you. But a lot of the time, you realize it doesn’t, and that’s where growth can happen.

Choosing to keep or let go of these inherited patterns is one of the most freeing things you can do as a parent—and as a human.

Changing the Dynamics for the Next Generation

Recognizing that some of my knee-jerk reactions come from childhood doesn’t mean blaming anyone. It’s just awareness. It’s realizing that every family has its patterns, and now that I see mine, I get to decide what to carry forward and what to leave behind.

Rachel and I made a conscious agreement early on:

• We’re allowed to grow. 

• We’re allowed to change our minds.

• We don’t have to be locked into the dynamics we grew up with.

We try to model that for our kids too, that you can evolve, you can reflect, you can build a life that fits who you are now, not just who you were taught to be.

Parenting: A Mirror and an Opportunity

Parenting keeps reminding me that personal growth isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about staying curious—pausing when something feels off and asking, “Is this really mine?” Or is it just something I picked up along the way?

Our kids might be small, but the lessons they bring out in us are anything but.

Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of messy play to reveal a belief that’s been quietly sitting inside for years, just waiting for a chance to be seen, questioned, and maybe even let go.